Fall break was lovely, of course, but hardly a break. I had a lot of work to do for school and my mother, being my mother, didn’t stop for a minute. We were busy all the time—so much, in fact, that I managed to lose weight while simultaneously eating my weight in brie, goat cheese, and beignets. Om nom nom.
It’s been so busy for me lately. And I like busy, don’t get me wrong. But I’m wearing a lot of hats these days and I wonder if it’s too many. I can’t shake the feeling that I’m a little girl playing dress up (it doesn’t help that people continue to tell me I look 15). I feel like I have so many ongoing projects and things to be thinking over and considering that I never really finish any one project.
Despite the plethora of academic tasks on my mind, I have to admit they aren’t they heaviest weight. I can handle that, I know I can—I always have. School is my thaaang. It’s the grittier bits, the personal bits that have me struggling. There are so many really big questions about the kind of person I am and the kind of life I pursue wrapped up in the decisions of the next 12 months—and that’s really scary for me. I feel like I’m setting the tone for my whole life and I don’t feel old enough to be doing that. I am too clumsy, too young, too forgetful to have it all together. Apparently it’s just a matter of taking it one mountain at a time, but it’s not always easy to remember that when each mountain makes up the base of a bigger one.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: this experience in Italy is entirely, wholly, completely different than my previous one. It feels more adult—which ironically enough, makes me feel more and more like an unprepared child.